A Relationship Post-Mortem

October 11th is National Coming Out Day. Four days after my birthday. Two days after I broke up with my boyfriend of 11 months. Longest relationship I ever had. Only the second one that I ever had.

One of my Facebook friends posted on Coming Out Day that she was a ‘demisexual,’ which is something I’ve never heard of before. After a few minutes of Googling, I had an ‘oh’ moment. I haven’t stopped thinking or wondering about whether that definition is me too.

What is a demisexual?

“a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.”

or

“the demisexual [person] experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners.”

  • Is this why I reject new people so quickly? Because I haven’t spent enough time with them to formulate a sexual attraction?
  • Is this why “he’s so hot, I wanna bone him right now,” feels so foreign, impersonal, and strange to me?
  • Is this why I never have celebrity crushes?
  • Is this why I’ve 100x more romantic/emotional dreams than sex dreams?
  • Is this why sometime I’ve thought before that I’d rather marry one of my friends (women) even though I’m know I’m not a lesbian?
  • Is this why I feel super jealous over friends even though I know it’s unnecessary? Maybe such close friendship bonds are the same thing to me as being in a relationship?
  • Is this why I feel way more attached to fictional characters than to people? Because they can elicit better emotional engagement from me than stupid men?
  • Maybe this is why the men run? Because they sense that I need, crave, would do anything for that emotional connection and they can’t handle it?
  • Or did Christianity really fuck me up so badly that even now, having stepped away from it for years, I can’t allow myself to feel even a fleeting lust for someone for fear of moral judgment?
  • Am I just deluding myself? Am I just super picky or have stupid high standards and no one fits them?

Demisexual is on the asexual spectrum, which is the part I get hung up on. Because I don’t feel asexual AT ALL. I wanna have sex all the time. I feel horny pretty much all the time. But I’m so disappointed by the people options in front of me, that nobody gets me going.

I guess it’s just made me feel a bit sad lately. It’s always been difficult for me to be able to find someone and now I feel like I have the proof for why. Then my pessimistic brain goes to “well, it’s never gonna happen now, it’s just too much time and effort, and no one is going to want to deal with that just to sleep with you.” My constant struggle has been trying to rid myself of these assumptions of toxic masculinity, that men don’t want to put in the emotional labor of an equal relationship, that they only want sex. And I’m so insecure that people don’t want to know the real me, because the real me is boring, needy, and unattractive.

Except that isn’t true at all. My ex had a significantly lower sex drive than me. To the point where it was only once a month or once every couple of weeks. It drove me crazy. It made me feel undesirable. I ended up just being anxious about sex whenever we did go for it and never enjoyed myself. A whole god damn year and I enjoyed sex with him only in the first couple months or so. Our emotional connection was fledgling from the beginning. The friendship we had was minimal, which is why his interest in me was so startling. I didn’t know what to do with it. It took a few months of thinking about him for me to reciprocate.

Looking back and based on the content of his text messages – I’m pretty sure that he lost interest around June. I wanted to break up with him by July because he didn’t show up for me for one of the most important events happening in my career. But we planned that whole damn trip to Scotland. It probably would have been better if we had broken up and just done the trip as friends. Everything would have been easier to navigate with my anxiety over making people happy and especially considering the performative aspects of a relationship. I thought maybe if I do everything the way I’m supposed to the feelings will follow. But they didn’t.

I couldn’t get over our education differences.

I couldn’t get over him being shorter.

I hate that, but it seems so superficial, but the education one really stuck with me. It was so rare than we actually had an intelligent or emotionally-centric conversation. Everything was pop culture, day-to-day activities, and “god, isn’t our president awful.”  I need someone who is as internally aware as I am and not afraid to say those things either. I took the initiative so much so that I was the one who asked him out, I planned almost all of our dates, I initiated talking things out when I wasn’t happy with something, I broke us up. I even waited for him to take some initiative on the breaking up. We had a 15-minute phone call and most of it was just silence, waiting for the other person to speak. Fucking nightmare.

To quote the Spice Girls

Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want
So tell me what you want, what you really really want

Just fucking talk to me.

I feel bitter about some of these little things still. I know they will fade with time. None of it will affect this new phase of our friendship, because we’re better than that. There are just so many things that I wish had gone differently.

 

Thus, this blog continues on, even though I took a huge long break. Because with how everything played out with my ex and with this old yet new discovery about how I feel attraction — it seems even more obvious now than it ever was — I will forever only have almost relationships.